I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
His nipple licking is glorious
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