i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
