Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
