I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
