the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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