Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
