I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
