my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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