just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
