my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
