Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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