You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
