Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
My cat gives me a boner
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
