WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
