just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
