My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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