just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
