I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Randomize
