forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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