Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
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