Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
