Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
