Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I need a burrito and a hug.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
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