Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Randomize
