It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
