Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
he quoted the bible to break up with me
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
