you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
