the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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