I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Randomize
