I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
