Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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