hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
