batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
