the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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