1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Non-Jews are for practice
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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