Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
