how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
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