just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
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