soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
