My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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