dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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