you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
