this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
