how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
