i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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