I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
