my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
