dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
