There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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