u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
