God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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