I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
